No road trip for me.

I was supposed to be going to see my sister’s baby be born but I’m not.

trying not to hate dh

OK I’m not really trying not to, because I really really do right now.

My baby sister is birthing her 1st baby today. I love her so much and i want to be there. she wants me there. I am not there. why? because one day I decided to do whatever my husband tells me to in order to avoid conflict with him, because I can’t stand fighting, and we used to fight all the time. so I decided to let him decide everything, because some stupid ass woman claimed that it helped their marriage flow and because her husband is more likely to consent to important things because she is respectful.

Well it didn’t work. I am absolutely heartbroken. He actually said no. I hate him. I want my sister. Women are supposed to be together for birth, her husband needs an experienced woman birther there, so he can relax and just love my sister without wondering if she’s OK. I want my sister. I want my sister. I hate him. I will never again allow him to deny me something important like this. Not that my sister will ever have her first baby again. I hate him. I hate him for stealing this moment from me. For 9 months I have been telling him how much I wanted to be there. I can’t believe I let him say no. I should have just gone.

I want my sister. I want my sister.

I have daughters and they better not miss each other’s births. i am so so sad.

so hot and hungry help me please

ok it is 102 degrees and my air conditioner in my van is broken and so is the air in my house, i am pregnant and roasting. it is so so so hot. there are no pools open in town for another 2 weeks. our sprinklers are gross- it’s special “irrigation water” here isn this stupid town- it comes from a canal that runs all through town, people dump crap in it, I am sure people piss in it, pesticide runoff and fertilizer runoff from everyone’s yard ends up in there, that was the nice thing about living in southern CA- at least the water in your hose was the same water in your sink, so you didn’t have to be concerned about grossness. drinking it was gross, but not as gross as the idea of letting my kids play in the sprinklers here. anyway. we have no food- i am supposed to be going grocery shopping today but i can’t drive around town in my van with no air- I was GOING to brave it until i got in and realized my window wouldn’t roll down. it’s hotter in there than it is outside. i am so hungry, too. i haven’t eaten all day because it’s so hot and i have been waiting for it to cool down so we could go out this evening and run errands, but it’s almost 7pm and still over 100. i hate this town, i hate this house, i hate this car, i hate everything right now. i ams o hungry. i am so so so hungry. my lips are dry and dehydrated, i have drank over a gallon of water today, and dunked my head in the tub probably 50 times. the backs of my knees are dripping sweat. i am sitting in front of a fan right now crying because i am so so so hungry and hot and miserable and i just want to die. no i don’t want to die, i really do love life, but i hate broken air conditioners. i want food. i want to eat. i am so so hungry, wwaaaaaa.

me attempting positivity

This is me. Look, I’m not complaining about what a jerk my husband was. See, I’m not blasting negativity into cyberspace. Here, I will sit a minute and think of nice things I can say about him instead. He’s sexy. He’s good in bed. He has excellent taste. He’s a good cook. He pays attention to detail (like when he’s picking out all the ways I screw up) NO NO NO- I went off track. OK bye