Dear Mrs Hannigan,
We’ve considered very carefully your proposal for free mental health care. While we do agree that the future of the free world may depend upon your sanity, we’re not entirely convinced that we would like to participate its restoration.
True, you have six daughters and several generations from now, it’s conceivable that if they all had 6 children of their own you could, indeed, have 36 grandchildren and then eventually, 216 great-grandchildren. Your potential scope of influence, then, as you mentioned, is quite high but what are the chances that each of your children will have 6 offspring of their own? Surely, you’ve frightened at least the oldest one into a childless existence.
True, you show signs of insanity at every turn. Your water and corn issues are definitely obsessive-compulsive. Your inclination to birth at home, homeschool and work from home are good clues that you have a phobia about leaving home, and that your impending move is causing you severe psychosis. You won’t be able to blame it on the price of gas for long, since your husband is building that hydrogen fuel cell.
Rest assured, we do not believe that writing more than one blog is a sign of multiple personality disorder, or schizophrenia, as you fear. We do believe that it’s a wise way to niche market yourself. However, creating a fake identity to write a blog whose scope could harm the reputation of your primary blog might be on the crazy side. “Integration.” Let that be your key word.
Unfortunately, the main reason we can not treat you is simply because we are a federally funded organization that is legally obliged to push pharmaceutical treatments at every turn and we get financial bonuses for having our patients be 100% medicated, much like how pediatricians receive bonuses for having a patient body that is 100% vaccinated. It’s nothing personal.
We do have a few recommendations for you and we hope you take them to heart. Begin to keep a normal schedule, you can’t expect to feel happy and healthy when you’re only sleeping 4-6 hours a night. Also, just because you have coupons that make pre-packaged foods free or cheap doesn’t mean you have to eat that way. Donate it or something. Finally, your idea of getting all of your work done each day before checking your email or logging on to any social network is a good one. Days that you’ve stuck with that ideal have been profitable. Make a habit of sticking with that every day.
Generally, if you have six daughters, homeschool, work from home, skip childbirth drugs, breastfeed, don’t go to church, don’t cut your hair, fail to file important tax forms, write thank-you cards that never get mailed, have more than 30 bottles of shampoo in your pantry, use cloth diapers, wear your baby, let your baby eat rocks, and don’t eat certain foods because they’re not natural, it’s a good sign that you might be crazy. Just do what everyone else does, OK.
Sincerely
Dr Bowguss and staff
Writer’s Health Group
**Dear Mrs Hannigan is a regular feature of my blog. It’s bullshit. Apparently I need this disclaimer because a couple people thought there really was a camera implanted in my forehead once and that I really did scare away reality show producers.
Lotsa crazy crud going down at the Hannigan house. Don’t miss another post,
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