The Devil Went Down to Safeway

Here’s me confessing that I rarely bring my kids with me to the grocery store. So many reasons why;

1- sleazy magazine headlines are worse than kids TV

2- I don’t want to EXPLAIN why you’re not getting a fruit roll up for the 300th time, even if you do pick a yucky flavor, even if you say please and promise to clean and be nice and give me a bite I SAID NO.

3- And shut up please, I am counting. 28.54-1.25 coupons plus 8%tax minus the fucking fruit roll up that I’m going to pretend I don’t see if I remember to do that when you’re trying to unload the cart with no regard for the fact that I am still counting oh and “HI, KATHY” don’t you dare make unnecessary conversation with her, the popsicles will melt.

Yeah- shopping with kids sucks. I can bring them, one at a time. I prefer to bring the infant, she’s easy and the 2 yr old, she just sits in the cart for the ride. But the older kids, no thank you. It takes all the fun out of shopping. And I mean shopping in every female retail therapy sense of the word. See, I don’t get to be one of those shopping moms lately. I haven’t seen the inside of Old Navy in almost a year. I don’t even HAVE sunglasses right now.

(I’m lying just to make a point, but I swear I didn’t buy anything when I was there because it was the $1 flip flop day and the line wrapped around the store, and I laughed because flip flops are $1 at a lot of stores, these doofuses were pissing away their Saturday by standing in line for 2-3 hours to save a few bucks on flip flops with the words “Old Navy” on the side.)

Sorry, I digress.

Anyway, I’ve always hated malls and I’m really just not a shopper, OK. I’m a coupon shopper, Today I am getting 6 bottles of Olay Ribbons and 5 boxes of Ritz crackers for a total of $2 and if you wanna save a few bucks I highly recommend you get addicted to coupon shopping because it is great fun. But I’m not giving you the name of the coupon shopping website because this is a small town with only one Walgreens.

So last week I break my rule because she spent a smaller portion of the day in trouble for being horrid, and I’m thinking I’ll reward her with a nice little trip to the grocery store. We just needed milk but thank goodness I had my coupons with me because I had a 2.25 off of electrasol and it was on sale for $3 AND part of the buy 25 items, get $20 back. Quick math here, if I got 25 electrasols I’d be spending 18.75 and getting back $20- so basically they paid me to take away the electrasol. WooHoo, I love deals like that.

Bubba wants some chocolate but she doesn’t dare ask. When we got to the parking space, some noise outside turned off just in time to emphasize the dramatic sound of the automatic door lock locking her in the car and me saying “Do not ask for anything. If you can make it to the checkstand without asking me for anything, I will get you a treat. If you ask, you get nothing. understand?”

So we had a deal. We’re shopping. I’m counting coupons, getting all excited about the electrasol tabs. She’s restless. She’s not asking. I decided to praise her. “you’re doing great, sweetie.” Why do kids think they can stop being good once you notice it? Whoever thought of positive reinforcement is really an idiot.

Anyway, she doesn’t ever ASK for anything, but she lowers her voice into a deep, throaty, gravelly voice and says

“this is your spirit talking. Buy your kids some Sunny D. Or I will kill you Mwahahahaha.”

and so I ignored her, y’know, just in case it really was a voice in my head. She must have amused herself, so she does it again.

“Lisa, this is a spirit talking. You must buy cookie dough. It’s on sale 2 for $6. Buy it for your kids.”

Some man at that point picked up two of them and walked away, as if he didn’t even hear her, but obviously he did. And his name is Lisa, right?

“Lisa, you must get frozen strawberries for smoothies. They are nutritious. And delicious.”

Wow- the devil is now nutritionally conscious. Some lady shot us a nasty look, so I told Bubba

“Knock it off or I’ll have you exorcised again.”

“Mommy (in the little girl voice, now) “How come you never exercise anymore?”

FINALLY- the checkstand, this is the end of grocery shopping, we made it. Put items on cart, hand cashier coupons. Smile discreetly when he notices my gallon of milk and 25 boxes of electrasol cost a total of $22 and that their machine is printing me a $20 coupon. In a perfect world.

Something beeped and he cursed and so I’m sitting there ready to cut whoever doesn’t cooperate with my couponing, and I hear her, over by the sunglasses, speaking in that voice.

“buy your kids some chocolate bars.”

No way in heck am I buying anyone a chocolate bar at this point. If you allow evil spirits to speak through you at the grocery store, it still counts as asking, and that’s against the rules. No. No. no. I’m ignoring you and giving you the eye, so turn around and look at me. So you can see it.

The lady at the checkstand next to us leans back and says “your kid is freaking me out.” I don’t want to take my eyes off this grocery checker who is like looking up the code or something, I don’t want him secretly palming away my coupons and messing up my game. So I act like I didn’t hear my daughter and say “What is she doing?”

The lady says “She’s invoking Satan to get some chocolates” Here- and she tosses my daughter a mini snickers. “Cool” Bubba says with all five of her missing teeth, and the lady says (smiling, laughing) “just quit it with the voice, kid.”

Oh finally he gives me a total. I smile, just like I planned and he handed me my receipt and didn’t notice the $20. Damn, how anticlimactic. So I comment “And I got $20 back.” Cool. I collect my evil kid and we head out of the store.

Yesterday I went through her line and I said “I think of you every time my daughter makes her Satan voice.” And she says “And I think of her every time I hear Satan.”

If you like stories where kids communicate with the devil, you’ll like this one, too, from Good mom bad mom.

Lotsa crazy crud going down at the Hannigan house. Don’t miss another post,

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